MORIA — TheOneRing.net’s selection committee has been hard at work, delving too deep into lore and frivolous fandom to bring you the third? another edition of Middle-earth Madness! The top seeds in each bracket are predictable and Hobbit-book-centric, with fan favorites Thorin, Bilbo, Gandalf and Smaug each holding the top spot in their respective brackets. Smaug anchors the LONELY MOUNTAIN bracket, Bilbo is at home in BAG END, while Thorin heads EREBOR and everybody’s (most everybody’s) favorite wizard and 2013 champion lands in MIRKWOOD. (Don’t expect it to all make sense, we are after all voting for fictional characters based on no specific criteria in a bracket format made popular by NCAA basketball in the 20th Century. Just go with it.)
Smaug is a repeat one seed but in the 2013 version of the contest, the other tops spots were The One Ring, Balin (who lost his opening round match with Pippin, a sixteen seed, by .05 percent) and Galadriel. In 2012, with a smaller field, Gandalf and Bilbo were top seeds along with Legolas and Glorfindel. The first winner was Sam in 2012 with Gandalf snagging the Maiar community a trophy in 2013. Can the wizard be stopped in 2014?
New to the bracket is Tauriel, the elf maiden entirely made up by filmmaker Peter Jackson’s writing team. The bad-muther elf has the potential to face Gandalf in the Mirkwood bracket if they each win their first four contests. Tauriel must first fend off Saruman’s Palantir. Thranduil, Beorn and Bard are the other second seeds and each seems just fabulous enough to be real contenders. Bard, in the same bracket as Smaug, just might be in the right place to pull an upset. Meanwhile his Black Arrow faces the Watcher In The Water in the Bag End bracket. Another object making its first appearances and likely offending purists and bracketologists alike, is the Bunny Sled. In a tough matchup, it must face Angcalagon, known as “The Black” and the greatest of all winged dragons from Middle-earth’s first age. He was likely the largest dragon that ever graced Middle-earth and could likely use Smaug as a toothpick, but could be erased by a sled – pulled by rabbits.
The Erebor branch of the bracket is filled with dark creatures and objects including rings and The Arkenstone. Once a champion, Sam is now a #10 seed and faces Azog. But the white CGI movie Azog or the vengeful creature from the LOTR appendicies? Only voters can decide who will prevail. If Samwise can down Azog (he was a ring-bearer after all) he may prove Tauriel’s undoing in the second round. Beren (a symbol for J.R.R. Tolkien himself) and Luthein (the author’s wife Edith) each made the field and are always a tough out.
Be sure to follow the complete bracket to see which imaginary character gets an imaginary mithril shirt engraved with MIDDLE-EARTH MADNESS across the chest.
It’s a new month, so that must mean it’s time for a new Rewrite Tolkien contest, where you, the fans, can rewrite your favorite passages or scenes in the style of a classic author or theme. We will select a theme each month, and then it’s up to you to put your spin on it.
The theme for the month of March is…
‘The Hobbit’ in the style of Douglas Adams. Using characters and settings from ‘The Hobbit’, create your own sci-fi/fantasy crossover. Be creative, however the judges are begging you not to submit any Vogon poetry!
Our judges will read through all of your submissions, and choose the best of the bunch. The Grand Prize Winner will get their entry read live on TheOneRing.net’s newest show, TORn Book Club as well as having it published here on TheOneRing.net. The runner-up will have their story published on TheOneRing.net.
The contest deadline is 12:00 p.m. Eastern Standard Time (EST) on Wednesday, March 26th 2014. Please be sure to read all of the submission guidelines below and submit your entry to rewrite_tolkien_contest@theonering.net. Good luck!
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Contest is open to individuals worldwide, age 13 and up at the time of entry.
To avoid duplicate submissions, please include your name and location on all entries.
To qualify, submissions must be a minimum of 500 words and maximum of 2000 words, feature at least one character from The Hobbit and be in the style of the author/genre for that month’s contest.
It’s long past time to announce February’s Rewrite Tolkien contest winner – apologizes for the delay! We had several great entries for February’s theme – ‘The Hobbit’ in the style of Jane Austen – but as they say, There Can Be Only One.
Jill Richardson of Chicago, Illinois! Congratulations, Jill – Your entry will be read live on TORn Book Club this Sunday, 9th March.
Stay tuned for March’s contest (hint: don’t forget your towel) and keep those entries coming in!
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An Unexpected Party (Which Is, of Course, Most Disagreeable) by Jill Richardson (Chicago, IL)
It is a truth universally acknowledged that a dwarf, formerly in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of its return.
However little known this truth may be to the individuals involved in the particulars of his quest, it is so well fixed in the minds of dwarves and their subsequent generations that any necessary additions to their party are quite considered their rightful property.
So Bilbo Baggins learned when a large party of such dwarves paid an him afternoon call. An entire party to whom, I must add, he had not yet been properly introduced.
This lamentable fact had no effect on Sir Oakenshield, however, as he proceeded to deliver his haughty glance around the room—a room which did not quite meet his specifications. “It seems a trifle shabby that I must hang my own cloak,” he sniffed to no one in particular. “And that,” here he touched his elbow which had been regrettably bruised on the threshold of Bilbo’s establishment, “one must be injured in order to be welcomed into this . . . estate.” He waved off Bilbo’s profuse if somewhat unrequired apologies. “Nevertheless, let us attend to our business. I feel sure that someone might offer us something stronger than tea before the evening is at its end.”
“What, if I may be so bold . . .” began Mr. Baggins. (In truth, Mr. Baggins and ‘bold’ were not two words commonly associated.) “What is the nature of this business? And why . . .” He began to stutter now at his recklessness in questioning so great a personage. “Why must it take place in my humble abode?”
“Because, Mr. Baggins, the party requires your services.” Sir Gandalf, who had hitherto remained quiet, spoke. Mr. Baggins felt sure from previous encounters that when Gandalf stood quietly, some mischief would follow. “The offer would be generous,” he continued.
“Indeed.” Bombur addressed his host for the first time. “And you must realize, Mr. Baggins, that in spite of your manifold attractions . . . ” At this his gaze lingered on the dining table so recently laden with its lavish substance. “It is by no means certain that another such offer may ever be made to you.”
“I beg your pardon, my friend of generous girth.” (It was Bilbo’s turn for the display of some little wit.) “I cannot mistake your meaning. I may not have ten thousand a year, gentlemen, but I live comfortably enough.” He turned up his own nose at Sir Oakenshield here, a feat made all the more difficult by the fact that he was, most charitably, a half-foot below that dwarf’s stature. “I do not need to work for my keep like a . . . a grocer.”
“Ah, but have you a taste for adventure, sir?” Kili betrayed his own taste for such uncomfortable pursuits by his shining eyes and eager looks. “And surely you would not object to taking in the sights at Laketown, particularly such a sight as Smaug the magnificent dragon. Quite the prodigious tale you would have to tell, you understand.”
“Dragons? Adventure? I should prefer to be struck by lightning that endure anything so disagreeable. And who is this Smaug? I have certainly never heard of him. I am in no humor at present to give consequence to dragons who are slighted by history books.”
“My dear Mr. Baggins,” queried Fili. “Have you not heard of the dreadful row at The Lonely Mountain? But I suppose that news of real import rarely travels so far to the country. Ah country living; it is so, enchantingly . . . innocent.”
Then something Tookish arose in Bilbo. He was as aware as the next gentleman of the dismissive nature of young master Kili’s tone, and his noble lineage of Bullroarer Took could be denied no further. “I assure you, Mr. Kili, the country is quite as full of information as your Lonely Mountain or whatever place you mean. Pardon me, I don’t pretend to understand what you are talking about, but tell me what you wish to be done. I am at your service. Who is this Smaug you wish me to take notice of, and in what part of the country does he reside?”
Sir Oakenshield, grand in stature and, if truth be known, rather plodding in speech, began the tale. “My grandfather possessed both title and fortune, you know, and as his rightful heir, I stood to inherit. But through the wiles of a penniless fortune-hunter, all was lost in the halls of Erebor.”
“Smaug, the dragon in question, simply rose from nowhere to make his attempt at our fortune. He had no parents of consequence, no substance. A mercenary fellow, make no mistake.” Balin punctuated his remarks with a stern shake of his head.
“And it was a good deal too rude of him too, I believe, but then, he was a younger son, you know, and his brother got all that there was to live upon when the old dragon passed away. Younger sons must make their way in the world in some fashion.” As a younger son himself, Oin might be forgiven this remark, had he chosen to time it more prudently.
That it was not prudent became clear by Sir Oakenshield’s withering glare. “He is a cursed creature, and thus must be those who defend him. Let us formulate a plan and be quick about it. I desire to quit this establishment by morning and be on our journey.”
“But how shall we manage to regain what is rightfully ours?” Bofur’s petulant speech demonstrated that he had no plan himself for this endeavor.
“There is a secret door on the side of the mountain . . .” began Gandalf.
“Secret? Is that quite . . . seemly? It does appear so . . . so . . . not quite the thing to take such a backhanded approach.” The Baggins portion of Bilbo’s lineage began to reassert its adherence to strict propriety.
“Shall we have some music?” Fili felt it best to distract the company. “I sing tolerably well, but I do not play, so perhaps my brother would consent to accompany me? How about the Misty Mountains tune?”
So wore the evening, while good friends enjoyed good conversation, and those perhaps not so well pleased by the company sat in corners brooding, or stood together making disparaging remarks on the dress or style of Mr. Baggins’ establishment. That Bilbo would go was determined. That he would obtain the dwarves’ good graces quite another.
At length, Bilbo stifled a yawn and rose. “In any case, good sirs, before I retire I shall require one matter to be resolved once for all. In no way shall I leave my home without my pocket handkerchiefs. It is simply not proper. Good evening to you all.”
Just a reminder to everyone – February’s Rewrite Tolkien contest (The Hobbit in the style of Jane Austen) comes to an end this coming Monday, February 24 at 12 PM (Eastern Standard Time). That means you have just under 3 days to submit those entries – so there’s not a moment to lose!
It’s here! February’s Rewrite Tolkien contest, where you, the fans, can rewrite your favorite passages or scenes in the style of a classic author or theme. We will select a theme each month, and then it’s up to you to put your spin on it.
In honor of Valentine’s Day, the theme for the month of February is:
The Hobbit in the style of Jane Austen
“You pierce my soul. I am half agony, half hope…I have loved none but you.” ~Persuasion
Using characters and settings from ‘The Hobbit’, put together a romantic tale in the style of ‘Emma’, ‘Pride and Prejudice’, ‘Persuasion’, or any of Ms. Austen’s other works. Get creative, but please keep your entry family friendly / PG rated!
Our judges will read through all of your submissions, and choose the best of the bunch. The Grand Prize Winner will get their entry read live on TheOneRing.net’s newest show, TORn Book Club as well as having it published here on TheOneRing.net. The runner-up will have their story published on TheOneRing.net.
The contest deadline is 12:00 p.m. Eastern Standard Time (EST) on Monday, February 24th 2014. Please be sure to read all of the submission guidelines below and submit your entry to rewrite_tolkien_contest@theonering.net. Good luck!
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Contest is open to individuals worldwide, age 13 and up at the time of entry.
To avoid duplicate submissions,please include your name and location on all entries.
To qualify, submissions must be a minimum of 500 words and maximum of 2000 words, feature at least one character from The Hobbit and be in the style of the author/genre for that month’s contest.
Thank you to everyone that participated in January’s Rewrite Tolkien contest – The Hobbit in the style of a newspaper article. We received some great entries from around the world!
January’s contest winner is:
”Lake-town Welcomes Thorin Oakenshield” by Sanni Kanta-oksa of Finland.
Sanni’s entry was read live on TORn Book Club (if you missed the latest episode, check it out on TheOneRing.net’s You Tube channel ), and has been reprinted below, along with the runner-up entry, “Disturber of the Peace” by Nancy Brown of England.
Congratulations to our winners, and stay tuned for information about February’s contest!
”Lake-town Welcomes Thorin Oakenshield”- The Lake-town Post
by Sanni Kanta-oksa (Finland)
The heir of Durin has arrived in Lake-town and promises to bring wealth back to the city.
Thorin Oakenshield, the leader of the company consisting of 13 dwarves and one hobbit, arrived in Lake-town in the autumn of T.A. 2941. The visit has been cited as ‘historical’, for the purpose of the party’s quest is to reclaim Erebor, which has been conquered by the dragon Smaug.
The company sought the Master of Lake-town and claimed Thorin to be the King Under the Mountain. The news was greeted warmly by the Master, as Thorin promised to grant a part of the treasure of Erebor to the people of Lake-town.
”This is actually really good news to us,” the Master told to The Post. ”Our people have suffered from hunger and poverty, but now we can put an end to all our troubles. The King Under the Mountain has promised to donate us, say, a big amount of money and riches.”
The citizens of Lake-town know very well songs of the King Under the Mountain who comes to take back his kingdom and consequently brings better standard of living to the city. The background of these prophecies remains unknown and there is no evidence about their reliability, but the inhabitants seem to be positive and confident.
”I have three children to feed and my house leaks, as there is a big hole in the roof,” Ingrid, from the western Lake-town, says to The Post. ”No one comes to repair the roof as I really don’t have anything to pay them. But if the legends are true and we are about to become richer than we’ve ever dreamed, then there is nothing to worry about. My children will be able to eat as much as they ever want and we don’t have to suffer from that leaking roof anymore.”
However, there are some who remain skeptical. ”In spite of the prophecies, I do not think it’s wise to go near that mountain,” remarked Bard, a father of one son. ”I think these are things that are supposed to be left alone. They are not for us.” The grim archer considers the whole quest as a doomed trial. ”If they [the dwarves] wake that dragon sleeping inside the mountain, then we will all be destroyed.”
The Master doesn’t seem to be too worried about the question whether the trial of the improvident dwarves and a hobbit, who has been described as ‘an official burglar’, will share opinions among the inhabitants. ”There will be some opposing, of course, as there always is,” The Master said mysteriously. ”But I think that will end as soon as everyone gets their share of the treasure. That will silent even the rest of the doubters.”
According to an assistant of the Master, the company will stay at the town for two weeks. They will be taken good care of, as the city offers them food and warm bed so they can rest before the undoubtedly most dangerous part of their quest.
The company will be expected to leave in two weeks. SK
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Disturber of Peace returns! – The Shire Telegraph
Gandalf the Grey has been seen in Hobbiton, Hobbit has gone missing.
by Nancy Brown (England)
Gandalf the Grey, a wizard who is well-known in these parts for causing trouble wherever he goes has been seen wandering the Shire again for the first time since the Old Took died. He was last seen bothering a Mr Bilbo Baggins at his residence on the Hill in Hobbiton yesterday morning, who has not been seen since we spoke to him later that same afternoon. We have paid a visit to his home but received no answer.
The wizard is said to be responsible for the disappearings of many Hobbits. There have been numerous cases of quiet lads and lasses going off into the blue for mad adventures after hearing the remarkable tales which seem to follow him wherever he goes in an extraordinary fashion. He is often spotted with fireworks, especially when there is a party involved, which has given him the name “the Disturber of Peace”. It was the Old Took himself, Thain Gerontius who encouraged these firework displays.
Gandalf is first said to have visited the Shire during the Long Winter nearly two hundred of years ago where he supposedly helped to save the lives of many Hobbits, but despite his good deeds he has since become a bit of a nuisance around these parts. A dreadful famine followed the Long Winter and his visits have eventually become something of concern, especially for parents who do not wish to see their children disappear and perhaps never be seen again.
We spoke to Bilbo Baggins later that afternoon when he visited the shops. Mr Baggins is a very wealthy and respectable Hobbit whose mother is Belladonna Took and is therefore part of the Took Clan, who are very well known for their strange behaviour, having had more disappearances than any other family in these parts. A source has told us that as a child, Mr Baggins attended several parties to listen to Gandalf’s mad stories about Dragons, Goblins and princesses but we were assured that he had grown up to become a more sensible and unadventurous hobbit like his father. The Tooks may be well-known for having adventures but a Baggins is not. Bilbo told us he had no intention of disappearing. He said, “Well I could not believe it. There I was minding my own business when this wizard calling himself Gandalf showed up on the door step trying to get me to go on one of his terrible adventures. So I told him right away no. I said no hobbit around here will be having any adventures thank you very much! It is ridiculous to even suggest a Baggins would run off on some silly adventure”.
But Mr Baggins has not been seen or heard from since. Early this morning we received several unconfirmed reports of Dwarves sitting in the Green Dragon as though they were waiting for someone. We have spoken to one witness who claims he later saw Mr Baggins join them as though he was a friend with an outfit fit for walking and a well packed bag. The group are thought to have since left the Shire.
It appears that Gandalf’s latest visit has caused even more trouble and strange sightings than they normally do but if you see him or Bilbo return or have any other strange happenings to add to this story then please let us know.
MORIA — TheOneRing.net’s selection committee has been hard at work, delving too deep into lore and frivolous fandom to bring you 
It’s long past time to announce February’s Rewrite Tolkien contest winner – apologizes for the delay! We had several great entries for February’s theme – ‘The Hobbit’ in the style of Jane Austen – but as they say, There Can Be Only One.
Thank you to everyone that participated in January’s Rewrite Tolkien contest – The Hobbit in the style of a newspaper article. We received some great entries from around the world!